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Stellantis, the parent company of Dodge, Ram, and Jeep, was cool with Hellcats, TRXs, Trackhawks, Scat Packs, etc. in its product lineup. But the international automaker has taken an abrupt, baffling turn toward hijinks, recently announcing a partnership with Segway. And just like that, Dodge and the rest have become complete nerds.
A young social media influencer crashed his McLaren during a livestream while on his phone.
We’re sure dozens of pocket protector enthusiasts will be rushing to their local Mopar dealer so they can grab the latest electric scooter or even the Segway go-kart, since it’s way cooler than a muscle car with over 700 horsepower.
What a stupid business move that is unfortunately so typical of today’s automotive industry. The press release announcing this catastrophe emphasizes that the Segways are “electric mobility options.” Unless you live in Manhattan, Chicago, or a similar city, no one uses these dumb toys to actually get around.
“Segway’s electric transportation solutions perfectly complement Stellantis’ lineup of cars, trucks and SUVs by providing efficient options for short-distance commuting. The partnership with Mopar reflects our shared commitment to innovation and sustainability and ensures that our customers can enjoy safe, reliable and engaging mobility experiences every day,” said Tom Hebert, Vice President of Sales at Segway.
Yeah, why doesn’t Lexus start selling Huffy bikes at its dealers? Then Chevrolet can have an entire wing of its dealers dedicated to Santa Cruz Skateboards. After all, these options are even greener for personal transportation over short distances, because they are powered entirely by the rider’s muscles.
Does Stellantis and Segway believe that someone buys this line that a go-kart is used by people for (see notes) “short distances”? Maybe a few people use those scooters to get around, but for most people they’re useful for fooling around and maybe mowing down some innocent pedestrians.
And don’t even get us started on those pesky Ninebot self-balancing things you see in mall cops like they’re the future of policing.
Stellantis is everywhere these days, like a ship that lost its rudder and anchor on a stormy sea. What’s up with Dodge now that all the high-performance V8s have been removed? Why is the Jeep Wrangler now a dog on the market when it used to be a force of nature? We could go on, but this whole Segway partnership is just a symptom of a bigger, more disturbing problem.
We honestly don’t care if Stellantis drags down the Italian and French brands it has greedily swallowed to the bottom of the ocean. But when it comes to Dodge, Ram and Jeep, we’d like to see them return to their glory and provide us with useful vehicles, not just stupid toys that run out of juice after an hour. Our fear is that Stellantis will simply mismanage these three and make them completely irrelevant to the market, refusing to acknowledge that it doesn’t understand what made them so great in the first place.
But at least you can buy an electric go-kart from a Dodge dealer – what a joke!
Image via Stellantis, Segway/Instagram