- My husband and I deal with clutter in different ways.
- It caused conflict in our relationship.
- I had a breakthrough moment about my relationship with clutter, and now we communicate better.
When I have to get something from the utility room in the basement, I get palpitations. A waist-high assortment of boxes, bags and building supplies are stacked three feet from the wall. The paint shelves are overflowing. A broken chair sits in the middle of the floor, thick dust on the upholstered seat. For 25 years I have wanted to throw away that flea market find, but my husband insists he will fix it.
The utility room is my husband Mike’s domain, and in his defense, much of the clutter is the result of his beautiful basement renovations, which include a laundry room, a new bathroom, and a spacious rec room. Yet Mike is a saver, and I am not, and that difference is a source of conflict.
I’m not a minimalist either, but I don’t save as much as he does
Full disclosure: I’m not a neat freak. I often leave dishes in the sink, dirty socks on the floor, and toiletries and tchotchkes piling up on my dresser faster than you can look up the definition of the word “tchotchke.” Like Mike, I tolerate a certain amount of disorder. I feel like Mine However, the disorder is within my control. I can quickly pick up and throw whatever I choose. But when our collective mess crosses an invisible line, and I don’t have the decision-making power to address more than half of it, I want to scream.
In the past, I often kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to whine, and I’m an instinctive people-pleaser. But then my resentment grew and when I finally said something, it was nasty. We both ended up feeling bad. Mike dug in his heels, I backed away, and the situation remained unresolved.
I always thought my anger was simply the result of Mike holding too much “junk.” That is of course part of it. I think the saying goes that a woman’s trash is her husband’s treasure. But recently I realized that it is more complicated.
An overcrowded closet helped me make a breakthrough
Last November I was in a slump. I was not happy with the outcome of the election. Plus, in 2023, I had published a book about pleasing my people and had grown tired of marketing it. In fact, I had grown tired of writing. I was an empty-nester retiree with bad knees trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
One day I opened the guest room closet and immediately became tense. The abundance of possessions was not just Mike’s, but our entire family’s. I wasn’t angry at anyone, but at the mess. Or maybe it wasn’t exactly anger I felt.
I had a light bulb moment: too much stuff makes me anxious, and decluttering gives me a sense of control. When I’m bored or worried about something else, removing some of the trash makes me feel better. After all, it’s not about Mike. It’s about my relationship with clutter; we just can’t get along.
Now Mike and I communicate better about clutter
Before I started working on the cabinet, I told Mike, “To be clear, I like getting rid of stuff. I do this to make myself feel better.’ I’ve never said it so clearly before. Mine aha This moment allowed me to approach Mike more lovingly about his other supplies. Instead of scolding him sarcastically, my words and tone were kind.
“Mike, do you want these two hats, or should I give them to Goodwill?”
Here’s the bonus: because I’ve been nicer about it, Mike is letting more things go. He no longer feels the need to dig in his heels because I don’t attack him.
It will always be easier for me to part with possessions than for Mike. What is frightening to me may be reassuring to him. However, identifying my contribution to our dynamic and changing my behavior has helped me become more responsive to my needs. It really is a form of self-care.
I’ll still avoid the pantry to keep my blood pressure in check and respect Mike’s man cave. If what looks like junk to me is his treasure, my way of loving him is to say, “It’s all yours.”